On Thor (and Þórr)

I’m writing this in response to this ask, but I’m not sending it to Raven as an ask because it’s mostly just me rambling.

So, let’s talk about gods and comic books.

Raven is, of course, correct - Thor (Þórr in Old Norse) is described in the heathen lore as having red hair (and I’ve never heard anyone question that on the grounds of UPG). But then, Sif’s defining feature is her golden hair (actual gold, that is - a gift from Loki to make amends for stealing her original golden blond hair), and Marvel makes her hair decidedly raven black. These seemingly pointless departures from the lore (pointless in that they add nothing to the story of the comic) are the result of Jack Kirby’s character designs. He was handed Thor with little knowledge of Norse myth beyond “some big guy with a hammer”, and nearly everyone after him has a) copied his designs for consistency and b) followed his tendency to not actually study the origin of Thor.

So, here’s my secret: I really like Marvel’s Thor. It’s J. Michael Straczynski’s fault. His run of thore (the first 16 issues of the latest run, 1-12, 600-603, and the “giant-size finale”) is phenomenal. It is as heathen as the comic book Thor is ever likely to get. There is still a good/evil dichotomy going on that feels out of place, especially in the treatment of Hel. Loki’s actions can at least be explained here by greed and jealousy, but Hel simply seems out of place - a Marvel character in JMS’ very un-Marvel take on Thor.

In particular, the scene where Thor talks to Captain America’s ghost is as heathen as anything I’ve ever read that ended in -saga. It talks of the power of oaths and evokes images of the warrior-king sitting out on the mound to seek counsel with the honored dead.

Also, the story of Bill is absolutely classic - it could easily have come straight out of the lore - call it Williamsmál, perhaps.

So, JMS really did his homework, and he wrote something that was powerful and heathen at its core. And after the comic got its hooks in me through JMS, I found that the story that picks up where he left off has retained a lot of his influence on it.

Is Marvel’s Thor culturally appropriative? How about Neil Gaiman’s American Gods, or Sandman in its entirety? It is possible. Certainly there is a common idea that our religion is ‘dead’ and so no one thinks twice about using symbols and figures from it for their own ends (this is a problem shared by most reconstructionist religions, I suspect). But I do think Thor himself would approve of these things, to say nothing of Bragi.

Also, in anticipation of anyone who wants to take this post and use it to talk about certain casting choices in the upcoming movie, I think the idea of casting Heimdall as a black man is fantastic. So stuff that in your racist pipe and, as they say, smoke it.

Hourou Musuko, Episode 4 - Watashi no Namae o Ageru (I Give You My Name) ~The sound of Your Name~

This is a continuation of my Hourou Musuko commentary series. You can see all the entries here.

You can watch the episode here (premium membership required until 2011.02.10).

Spoiler Warning

This is the first episode that made me cry.

Sure, each of the other episodes made me get teary-eyed at least once, but this one actually gave me a need-a-tissue, tears-streaming-down-my-cheeks crying fit. It did this by being painfully sweet. But we’ll get to the scene that made me cry a bit later. First, I want to talk about swimming.

I fondly remember the days when throwing on a bathing suit and going swimming was straightforward, or even possible. As my gender dysphoria increased, and I started shaving the hair from areas that gave me the greatest bodily dissonance, swimming slowly became more and more awkward, until it was basically impossible for me to comfortably go swimming in public. Now that I am living nearly full time in the correct gender, swimming is still awkward; to wit, I don’t even own a bathing suit. So when this episode opened with the cast swimming at school, I winced inwardly.

The scene is used to show more of Shuuichi and Yoshino’s dysphoria. Shuuichi is visibly envious of Yoshino’s figure, and Yohsino is distinctly self-conscious when Momo compliments her figure as being ‘womanly’. And this leads us to another aspect of trans experience that this show portrays very correctly - the unknowingly harmful comment.

Speaking for myself, as always, I know that as I began transitioning, offhand comments directed at me while I was in boymode could often hurt, even when there is no ill intent (or special knowledge) on the part of the speaker. A good example occurred recently, when I was, of necessity, at the bank in boymode. The teller attempted to compliment me by saying “You’re hair is so cute! Girls must be jealous of it.” While it is good to know my hair is cute, the way the comment put me solidly on the ‘boy’ side of the line stung.

The episode gives us another example of this, too. When Shuuichi gets out of the bath, his sister comments “A boy shouldn’t take such long baths.” In this case, though, it is possible the comment may be more intentional. Even given only the evidence seen so far in the series, Maho would have to be pretty oblivious not to suspect that her brother is gender variant at this point. However, the show hasn’t really given us any indication that she is aware of Shuuichi’s struggles, and actually implies an active lack of empathy towards him. When Maho’s friend Anna* makes Shuuichi cry, Maho’s response is “It’s fine, he does that all the time.” This is both callous and suggests that Shuuichi is suffering from depression, likely caused by dysphoria.

We also see a little more of the show’s fourth trans character, Yuki, in this episode. Yuki is a grown trans woman who has befriended Yoshino. We also briefly see her boyfriend, Shi, whom Yoshino asks about. Yuki reveals that she has known Shi since childhood, and that he was “the only one who never bullied me.” Yuki comes across as a very warm and genuine person, as well as being pragmatic. She shows Yoshino a website about binders, and also stresses that Yoshino needs to be sure and take measures to protect herself from violence.

The touching scene in this episode (the one that made me cry) comes when Yoshino and Shuuichi are alone and talking to each other. Yoshino offers Shuuichi her name, in exchange for his. Names are important things for a lot of trans people. We cast off our birth-assigned names when we cast off our birth-assigned genders. This is a deliberate act, and choosing a new name also has to be a deliberate act. Here, Yoshino is offering Shuuichi something that strikes me as ultimately profound: a name. I have been in something similar to Shuuichi’s place, here; my name was given to me by someone I hold dear, although it was not offered as an exchange. Even so, Yoshino’s actions here made me realize just how precious that gift really is. I felt like I had taken it for granted, when I should be treasuring it more than any other gift I’ve ever been given. Which I do, now.

So, that scene made me cry, for deeply personal reasons. I feel silly declining to talk about my reaction to a scene back in episode 1, given that this is a much more personal telling. Now that I was good and tearful, though, the next part of the scene just fed the cry fest.

Shuuichi tells Yoshino that he wants her to be Romeo in the play, and for him to be Juliet. He says “I want you to see me as a girl… because I see you as a boy.” This seems to be both his way of giving Yoshino a gift in exchange, as well as an attempt to tell her how he feels. “I see you as a boy.” I remember the first time someone said to me, “You are a girl.” The words came at exactly the time I needed them. Simple words; to cisgender women, it is a statement so obvious as to be not even worth saying or hearing. But every time I feel bad, every time I feel too much dysphoria and I’m trying not to hate myself, I remember those words. “I am a girl” is easy, for me. But knowing that someone else sees me the way I see myself… that has helped immeasurably.

When Shuuichi returns home, he repeats to himself “Boku no namae wa Yoshino.” He is still using the masculine pronoun ‘boku’, despite the fact that he is clearly starting to come to terms with his identity as a girl. This makes sense - it takes time to clear all of culture’s gender essentialism out of your brain. I still misgendered myself, in my own thoughts, for quite a while when I began to transition.

The other scene worth commenting on from this episode is a meeting between Saorin and Shuuichi. Saorin asks him to come over, ostensibly to talk about the play. That is where it starts; Shuuichi added to the play the idea that Romeo and Juliet could give each other their names, and Saorin offers Shuuichi her own name. On learning the origin of the scene in the play, Saorin feels slighted, but Shuuichi explains to her that he doesn’t want to become a girl for Yoshino’s sake, but for his own. Saorin responds with a selfish tirade that includes a lot of gender essentialism. She equates GRS with gender, saying “[without an operation], becoming a girl is impossible… It’s all just an act.” She also says that she doesn’t want Shuuichi to become a girl, because she is in love with him. (presumably as a boy)

At this point, Saorin has very little to redeem her character. She contradicts herself a lot. (and this seems intentional, as she seems very confused about her own feelings) She is consistently portrayed as selfish. She seems to fetishize Shuuichi’s gender variance on the one hand, and be terrified of it on the other. She seems, in short, to be deeply cissexist, but her feelings for Shuuichi make her willing to encourage his dressing as a girl. When the idea of it being more than that, however - when the idea of Shuuichi actually being a girl comes up - she reacts with defensive hostility.

* So, as a character shares my own name in the show, I feel obliged to comment on that. I really want Anna to be a good character! She seems to have the potential to be; at least, she felt remorse after making Shuuichi cry.

Hourou Musuko, Episode 3 - Romio to Jurietto (Romeo and Juliet)

This is a continuation of my Hourou Musuko commentary series. You can see all the entries here.

You can watch the episode here.

Spoiler Warning

In this episode, it feels like the show is finally reaching its stride. It combines the strengths of the previous episodes; the pacing is as good as the second episode, and the overall emotional impact and thematic cohesion is on the same level as the first episode.

The episode begins and ends by talking about bras. Specifically, Yoshino’s. She expresses terror at the thought of having to wear one, and asks Shuuichi if he has ever wanted to wear one. This leads to both of them admitting envy of each other’s bodies. This is a touching scene, and seems to me to be deeply insightful about a very particular part of trans experience. Here the characters deal with it awkwardly, but that makes sense - the characters are still very unsure of themselves and still discovering their identities.

Near the end of the episode is a scene where Yoshino tries on the bra she bought. It ends with her throwing it off in disgust, and hugging her boy’s uniform to her chest, sobbing. This is an utterly heartbreaking moment, and it is so well portrayed that I felt slightly embarrassed, as if I had accidentally walked in on someone at a private moment. It is also a very powerful scene, and it nearly made me cry. As a trans woman, I can’t pretend to understand exactly what that moment is like, but the show succeeds in making me feel very empathetic towards Yoshino.

Continuing on the theme of approaching puberty, Mako (Ariga Makoto) points out to Shuuichi that their voices are going to change soon, which is upsetting to both of them. He further suggests that they record their voices “before it is too late.” This is also used as a pretext for them to dress up as girls together. This solidifies the subtle hints in the last episode that Mako is also gender variant. He seems much more excited to dress up, and seems to view it as a social activity, a way to bond with Shuuichi over a shared experience.

A moment comes in this scene that gives me a chance to talk about Japanese language and gender. When Shuuichi begins recording his voice, he begins “Boku no namae o…” (My name is…). Mako stops him, saying “be more feminine.” He starts over, this time saying “Watashi no namae o…” (My name is…). The difference here is in the first person pronoun used. ‘Boku’ is an example of a masculine word - not masculine in the sense that words in some language have gender, but in the sense that it is a word typically only used by men (‘boku’ is specifically mostly used by boys). ‘Watashi’ is considered gender-neutral, but my suspicion is that, since ‘boku’ is used so predominantly amongst adolescent boys, ‘watashi’ is probably viewed as feminine by comparison. Unfortunately, this distinction is not caught in the subtitling.

Everything I’ve discussed so far are the sub-plots of the episode; the core of the episode involves a play that the characters’ class is planning for the school’s cultural festival. Saorin suggests that the class do a ‘genderbender play’*, or a play in which the boys play the girls’ roles, and vice versa. This idea is enthusiastically accepted by the rest of the class.

Saorin submits a script idea that is a modern adaptation of Romeo and Juliet, while Shuuichi comes up with the idea of writing about boys who want to be girls, and girls who want to be boys. This seems to be a huge leap forward in Shuuichi’s thought process - he is, in a way, openly admitting that he wants to be a girl, not just dress like one. Whether or not he will eventually consider the distinction between wanting to be a girl and the idea that he might already be a girl remains to be seen; so far, the show has kept to the somewhat gender essentialist language of “a boy who wants to be a girl”**. That mirrors my feelings at Shuuichi’s age; having never really encountered the idea of gender variance, that was the way I framed the thought, when I wasn’t running away from it at full speed.

After the play is announced, there is a scene where the girls from the class are talking excitedly about the idea. They see it as a simple way to break social rules, and talk animatedly about it. The three trans characters, however, are all visibly uncomfortable. Here we have yet another interesting insight into trans experience. When I was a teenager, whenever someone mentioned cross-dressing, or any kind of gender variance, I felt a mixture of embarrassment and shame. This even extended to topics that were stereotypically feminine but without the gender variance context - any conversation that mentioned makeup, nail polish, or women’s shoes was likely to make me blush. As a result, I spent a long time actively avoiding anything feminine, even to the point of harboring a deep aversion to the color pink. But I am now wandering astray of the point.

At the time, I didn’t even know why I felt embarrassed. I recognize now that it was the same thing I see in the characters in this scene - they are afraid that if they show too much enthusiasm, someone will know. That they will see into your soul and find the truth you’ve tried to hide from yourself.

Shuuichi and Saorin’s teacher suggests they combine their scripts, and at Shuuichi’s suggestion, the play becomes a version of Romeo and Juliet with the lead characters both being trans. What is more interesting, though, is Saorin’s behavior while they work on the script together. She invites Shuuichi to come work on it at her house, and he agrees after she promises “Not to do anything weird this time.” However, she immediately breaks her promise, and gets very excited about the idea of Shuuichi wearing one of her dresses.

Saorin’s behavior here feels very creepy, and it certainly borders on chaser behavior. What’s more, it is clear that she has done this before. Shuuichi is obviously uncomfortable with her taking such an enthusiastic interest in his gender identity, and yet she persists. Whether this behavior is an attempt to create a bond similar to the one Shuuichi has with Yoshino, or whether the behavior drove Shuuichi away from Saorin (and towards Yoshino) in the first place is uncertain.

Saorin also notes the parallel between their play’s Romeo and Juliet, and Shuuichi and Yoshino. She suggests casting Shuuichi as Juliet, and Yoshino as Romeo. Her suggestion is tinged with bitterness, but she seems to have a moment of genuinely wishing for Shuuichi’s happiness. Interestingly, this casting upholds the original point of the play (which was to reverse the gender roles of the actors relative to their characters) in a surprising way: it casts Shuuichi as a trans man, and Yoshino as a trans woman.

* The translation ‘genderbender play’ didn’t really sit well with me, so I did some checking. Luckily, Shuuichi writes down the phrase during the episode, so I was able to find the kanji: 倒錯劇 (tousaku geki). The dictionary meaning of this phrase would be ‘inversion play’ or ‘perversion play’, which don’t really convey the subtitled meaning at all. My assumption was that this is a particular phenomenon in Japan, but the only results I can make any sense of on a google search for the phrase are related to Hourou Musuko. If anyone with more knowledge of Japanese culture can confirm whether this is a cultural thing I am missing, I would be grateful.

** I am aware that some trans people see themselves as having been their birth-assigned gender before transitioning, and this complicates the language I use when I talk about this element of the show’s dialogue choices. My personal experience is that I was always a girl. Society’s gender essentialist memes convinced me otherwise for a very long time, and this leaves me with an unfortunate reflex reaction that tries to categorize phrases such as ‘I am a boy who wants to be a girl’ as cissexist. However, giving in to this reflex would be erasing of trans people whose experiences do not match my own, so I am trying my best here to use language that doesn’t do that.

Hourou Musuko, Episode 2 - Kirai, Kirai, Daikirai (Hate, Hate, Despise) ~Cry baby cry~

This is a continuation of my Hourou Musuko review series. You can see all the entries here.

You can watch the episode here.

Spoiler Warning

This episode switches gears and focuses mostly on Saorin. It also gives us a much-needed flashback that provides the backstory on the relationship between Shuuichi, Yoshino, and Saorin.

Near the end of the previous episode, Shuuichi runs out of his house, distressed, after an encounter with his sister.* In his haste, he leaves half-dressed in only an undershirt and a skirt, and runs into Yoshino on a bridge. Yoshino offers her hoodie, commenting that Shuuichi looks like a girl with a hoodie and a skirt on. This marks the reparation of their friendship, which leads us to Saorin.

Saorin, up to this point, has only been seen briefly, and was then depicted as quiet and prone to violent outbursts. In the first episode, she assaulted a classmate who insinuated that Shuuichi and Yoshino had a relationship at one point. In this episode, we learn that she harbors a lot of resentment toward Shuuichi and Yoshino because of a love triangle that imploded. Some time ago, Saorin expressed interest in Shuuichi, only to find that Shuuichi had already expressed interest in Yoshino. Saorin confronted Yoshino about it, and they both ended by expressing hatred for each other. More implicitly, Saorin also seems to feel that she had already been left out because Shuuichi and Yoshino had their trans experiences in common, and had bonded over them until Saorin felt like a third wheel.

Saorin comes across, in this episode, as fundamentally unsympathetic to the viewer. At the beginning of the episode she calls Shuuichi and Yoshino ‘filth’ as she passes them in the hall. She also nearly assaults Chi’s friend Shirai Momoko (Momo), and when Yoshino expresses that they should perhaps set their differences aside, Saorin refuses.

Despite this, the episode ends with Saorin making peace with the rest of the group, after Sasa Kanako (Sasa), who has been trying to remain friends with both Saorin and the others, gets angry at their bickering and refuses to speak to them. So, it requires the coercion of her only remaining friend for her to stop being an asshole to the rest of her former friends.

The premise of the episode seems to be that we should sympathize with Saorin. Ariga Makoto (Ariga) sums it up thus: “She’s got a rough life”. However, compared to the strife the other characters are depicted as facing, Saorin (as portrayed so far, at least) comes across as whiny and privileged by comparison.

So, enough about Saorin, then. We don’t have time for whiny privileged girls who hold grudges. Let’s talk about Ariga, whom we just mentioned for the first time. He plays a slightly more prominent role in this episode, and seems to be Shuuichi’s only (or at least closest) male friend. We also get a suggestion that he is also gender variant; Shuuichi gives him a clover hairpin to match the one he bought in the first episode. In the same scene, they spend time chatting about private matters - about the fact that Shuuichi and Yoshino are not dating, and that Ariga feels he may be attracted to boys. This is the first explicit mention of sexual orientation on the show. Leaving aside gender variance (since all of the gender variant characters are still discovering their identities in this regard), Ariga thinks he might be gay. The line is a throwaway - we don’t dwell on it at all, but rather move on. Presumably, we will return to this later in the series.

There are developments with Shuuichi and Yoshino, the show’s ostensible protagonists, in this episode as well. There is one notable scene at the beginning where Shuuichi and Yoshino each take note of the other smiling. They both seem happy to see the other smile, leading inevitably to the idea that they both do have feelings for each other.

On the subject of Shuuichi and gender, the first relevant moment in this episode comes when Shuuichi is called ‘a little girl’ as an insult by one of his male classmates; his response (unnoticed by everyone except Ariga) is to blush and then smile broadly. A similar scene happens when he takes his lunch to his older sister; one of her classmates says “he looks like a girl”, leading Shuuichi to repeat the phrase, “I look like a girl”, with a happy look on his face.

These scenes, more than anything we’ve seen before, really work to differentiate Shuuichi as being solidly transgender (as opposed to, say, cross-dressing for sexual gratification). His response to being called a girl is joy, and I suspect it is stemming from a sense (not really understood by him yet) that that is the correct thing for him to be called.

On the whole, this episode is much more solidly put together than the first one - it has more cohesion between scenes, and the pacing is better. However, emotionally, it is weaker. The first episode used a effective narrative repetition, with the ‘What are little _ made of’ motif repeated through the episode, and the scene early on where Shuuichi and Yoshino each narrate the phrase ‘I/we have a secret’.** The music and the dialogue are still top notch, but the overall narrative feel of this episode did not have as powerful an impact on me.

* I didn’t discuss that scene or the one before it in my previous review, nor do I discuss it in detail here, because my reaction to it is too personal to write about in a public space.

** The subtitles translate the phrase ‘We have a secret’, but since pronouns don’t indicate number in Japanese, it could potentially be translated ‘I have a secret’ as well. Or ‘I/we have secrets’, for that matter. I certainly think the translators chose well here, though.

Hourou Musuko, Episode 1

Spoiler Warning, and possible Trigger Warning for description of internalized transphobia

After watching the first two episodes of Hourou Musuko (放浪息子, “Wandering Son”), I have decided to start a running review/commentary of the series here. As of this writing, you can watch the first episode online at crunchryroll. You can watch the second episode with a premium membership (and a free trial option exists). This post will be a review of the first episode, with the second episode to follow.

First, personal background - I’ve long been a fan of anime. However, my understanding of the nuances of Japanese culture is somewhat lacking. I am white. I am native to the US. So, while I will try to avoid ethnocentric creep, there may be some in these reviews. If anyone sees problematic spots and wants to point them out to me, I will be most appreciative.

I am also a trans woman, currently in the midst of transition. So, this story is very relevant to my interests, and I am particularly interested in the way that gender variance is presented.

A note on pronouns: I am defaulting to masculine pronouns for Shuuichi and feminine pronouns for Yoshino. The characters themselves, as they are still struggling with their identities, probably still associate with these pronouns (it has not come up so far). At any rate, the characters in the show consistently give them these pronouns, so it is also a concession for ease of mapping the review to the story.

Also, this is probably going to be long. And, I will say again, this will contain massive spoilers. You have been warned.

Episode 1 - Onna no Kotte, Nande Dekiteru? (What are little girls made of?) ~Roses are red, violets are blue~

The title of this episode alone is telling, and it echoes the struggle with identity in the face of gender essentialist preconceptions that I (and, I am certain, many other trans people) have to deal with both internally and from others. What is gender? What does it mean to be a boy or a girl? We are asked these questions, right here in the title of the episode.

The episode opens with a voiceover from a character we will shortly know as Nitori Shuuichi*, who delivers the title line. This line will be repeated several times throughout the episode at introspective moments. We then open on a scene with a still camera pointed at Shuuichi, while he shifts uncomfortably in his seat and describes the discomfort he feels in his new school uniform. He is clearly trying to look happy, even though he is out of sorts. This is all delivered over a haunting, melancholy piano piece.

At the beginning of the episode, we have powerful, evocative storytelling. This is characterization at its best; I am already getting a strong sense of who this person is, and I am starting to empathize deeply with him. The music is stirring, and precisely on-point. It underscores the fact that this character (and, subsequently, all of these characters) are less happy than they are trying to seem.

The next sequence felt a bit jumbled to me the first time I watched it. We are introduced to most of the characters as they head to their first day of school (6th grade for most of the characters). Even before we have enough exposure with the characters to identify them readily, we establish that most of these characters already have relationships with each other. The show gives us the feeling that we’ve been dropped right into the middle of their lives with no exposition. Which is exactly what has happened. Several past events are alluded to, including a close friendship between Shuuichi, Takatsuki Yoshino, and Chiba Saori (Saorin), that ended abruptly after some sort of unspecified romantic drama occurred.

This sequence also alludes to the fact that Yoshino is also transgender. She is clearly uncomfortable when someone says she looks cute in her uniform, and clearly envious of the fact that Chii (who we will come back to in a minute) is wearing a boy’s uniform. Now, these factors could easily be observational bias on my part, but the show validates my theories: as the episode progresses, a friend buys Yoshino a boy’s uniform, which makes her ecstatically happy.

So, the show begins with interpersonal tensions already in place, but it leaves it up to the viewer to infer more information about those tensions. This is unsurprising, since the manga actually begins with the characters in 5th grade; the anime has chosen to start later, but include all of the omitted story as canon. This is an interesting choice from a storytelling standpoint, and has the opportunity to fail miserably. I certainly felt a bit lost during the first half of the episode or so. But this seems to be intentional; as a dramatic piece with a fairly serious tone, this sudden burst of information makes us feel like we are intruding on someone’s life, and left to pick up the context ourselves. By the end of the episode, it is clear who all of the characters are, and most of their relationships are established. As a slice of life piece, it works very well; we really get the impression that we’ve just come in at an arbitrary point in the characters’ lives.

As the episode progresses, we meet Sarashina Chizuru (Chii), an extroverted and impulsive girl who wears a boy’s uniform to school just ‘because she feels like it’. In a story about gender identity, it is interesting to see that we also have a character clearly treating gender as presentation. Unlike Shuuichi, Chii has the privilege to do this without the nervousness, shame, guilt, and embarrassment that often accompanies actually struggling with a transgender identity. Whether and how the series will treat with this privilege disparity remains to be seen.

The episode had a few stand-out moments for me. The first came during a scene where Shuuichi dresses in a girl’s uniform after school, and spends some time wandering around town on his own. Narration by Shuuichi establishes that he has never done this before, and usually only dresses up at home. During this outing, a girl in a shop suggests Shuuichi buy a hairpin because, she says, “You’re cute, and this will flatter you”. This scene depicts such a small thing - having someone treat you as the gender that feels right to you. This is something that cisgender people experience every time they interact with someone - it is so commonplace that it goes completely unnoticed. But if you’re trans, this is often something you have gone large portions of your life without ever experiencing.

I clearly remember the first time that I was treated like a woman by a stranger, completely and without hesitation. It was a wonderful moment for me, validating and uplifting. I may have been projecting, but it seemed to me that Shuuichi’s reaction was similar. The writer of the original manga, Shimura Takako, is a cisgender woman to the best of my knowledge. But (and this is assuming the anime follows the manga fairly closely) she has written an amazingly accurate and empathetic portrayal of what it feels like to live as a trans girl. She gets the little details right, and the animators and voice actors deliver here too - Shuuichi’s character is imminently believable to me.

The other stand-out moment in this episode is at the end. Shuuichi wakes up from sleep with a shock, to discover he has had a wet dream. He delivers in voiceover - “What are little boys made of? Snakes and snails…”, a bitter refrain of the episode’s title. The story is set as the characters enter puberty, and this is a visceral example of how puberty, for many trans people, is a time when our bodies turn against us. I know that puberty, for me, felt like my very physiology was denying a truth that I already felt ashamed of. I was constantly disgusted by my body, and it was the only time in my life I thought seriously about suicide. I didn’t really understand all of that at the time; that is, I didn’t connect the feelings that I should be a girl with the disgust I felt about my body. Mostly because I had buried the former as deeply as I could, and thought about it as little as possible.

This conflict of gender identity with puberty is a thematic trend I expect will be fundamental to the show as it progresses. I remain hopeful about this show - it is a narrative with a lot of potential to help cisgender people understand the perspective of trans people a little better.

* a hopefully correct extended footnote on Japanese names: Japanese names are written (and spoken) surname first, given name second. If anime is remotely accurate to real life in Japan, it is common for someone to be referred to by their surname by everyone except their closest friends and family. For the purpose of clarity here, especially since the show has multiple members of the Nitori family represented, I will introduce characters with their full name, and then only use their given name unless the show gives them a clearly more recognizable nickname. Confusingly, this conflicts with how the names are presented in the show. Anime subtitles are horribly inconsistent about how they choose to translate names, although I believe Hourou Musuko has been providing the name as spoken instead of converting consistently to the given name. The only concession to Western audiences is inverting full names when they are spoken.

Thoughts on Hourou Musuko (放浪息子)

So, there is an anime called Hourou Musuko (problematic Wikipedia article is problematic, possibly due to translation issues at some point), and it appears to have, as its protagonist, a trans girl in the 5th grade. Other major characters include her friend, a trans boy, and several other peers who are supportive. It is a drama, and appears to portray the entire thing earnestly.

Now, the anime hasn’t aired yet. Crunchyroll appears to have secured rights to webcast the show in several Western countries as it airs in Japan. Now, this will be of limited use to me, because I know about, oh, maybe 200 - 500 words of spoken Japanese. I’m not sure if Crunchyroll has some kind of magic time-travelling subtitling machine. That’d be awesome.

The thing is, I might watch it anyway, even if I can’t understand the language.

This show is ambitious. It is, to my knowledge, the only television show ever to star a transgender main character. It is, as they say, relevant to my interests. The fact that the trailer made me cry, without understanding a word of it, should be some indication of how powerful the idea of this show is for me (and hey, the trailer appears to have subtitles now. Those crunchyroll folks don’t mess around! and with subtitles, I find it moves me just as much).

So. Let’s compare this show, which appears to be a sympathetic portrayal of two trans youth facing the onset of puberty, with other portrayals of trans people (these are in the order that they popped into my head):

• Cowboy Bebop (Knockin’ on Heaven’s Door, I think) - a very masculine character in a night gown answers a door when one of the main characters knocks. Played for shock value and laughs.
• The Big Bang Theory - again, trans woman / cross-dresser (unspecified which one, since the character only exists for 10 seconds or so) answers a door in a flashback, when a main character knocks at the wrong address. She says something to the effect of “you’re looking for that weirdo across the hall”, which the main character then says “should have been a clue”, i.e. obviously trans people are weird. Again, played for shock value and laughs.
• Ace Ventura: Pet Detective - okay, yeah, I’m scraping the bottom of the barrel here. The movie reeks from beginning to end. But it is also one of the worst examples of transphobia in mainstream media that comes to mind.
• Glee - you know, I’m just gonna leave this one here. They think slurs against trans people are okay, which at least none of my other examples do.
• Guilty Gear - Bridget. Let’s not forget poor, fetishized Bridget.

Now, there are shows that have done it better:

• Ugly Betty has, I am told, a fairly sympathetic portrayal of a trans woman. I’ve not seen it, so I can’t comment further.
• Veronica Mars - an early episode had a portrayal of a trans woman that was fairly realistic and sympathetic. It included a scene where the woman’s son discovers who she is and responds by yelling some hateful things, but the show (especially given events later in the episode) gave me the impression that he was reacting out of ignorance, shock, and unquestioned cissexism. It was a sadly realistic example of cissexism, and seemed to do a lot to portray it without endorsing it.
• Castle - one episode featured a reveal that involved a discovering that a woman was trans. It was not played for shock (any more than any reveal in a detective show is); it was simply one more bit of the typical crime show puzzle. None of the characters reacted as if it were any more unusual than discovering she had simply changed her name.

But even these examples are lukewarm, or involve minor characters that spend very little time in the center of the story. Hourou Musuko gives us a show that focuses explicitly on trans issues. The fact that this show exists at all gives me hope, and I really look forward to watching it (especially in a form I can understand, come quick subtitles!). If this story is told well, I think it has the potential to create help, at least a little bit, to normalize trans experience in our culture.

It would be really exciting to see this show on the air in the US. I have no idea how likely that is, though, given the tone of most anime that ends up on the air in the States. The manga, at least, is being translated for an English release, though.

I don’t know if I actually expressed the point I was trying to make. I don’t even know what the point was, if I had one at all. It’s late, and my brain is fuzzy now.

The Feminist Hub: The Sexual Binary, part 2 →

thefeministhub:

I wanted to add some additional commentary to the sexual binary discussion from the last couple of posts. After reading Renee’s post on the matter, it occurred to me that honestlyisay might be referring to the sex binary (male/female) as opposed to the sexual orientation binary (homosexual/heterosexual). So, just in case that’s what was meant, I’m going to respond here!

I recently reblogged a quote over on my own blog. Here it is, for context and so no one has to follow the link:

Sex is no more an immutable binary than is gender. There are intersex people who are born with non-binary genitalia, as I have already mentioned. There are people with hormonal anomalies. In fact, hormone levels vary wildly within the categories of cis male and cis female. Chromosomes, too, vary. If you thought “XX” and “XY” were the only two possible combinations, you have some serious googling to do. In addition to variations like XXY, XXYY, or X, sometimes cis people find out that they are genetically the “opposite” of what they though they were– that is, a ‘typical’ cis man can be XX, a ‘normal’ cis woman can be XY.

The fact is that the concept of binary sex is based on the fallacious idea that multiple sex characteristics are immutable and must always go together, when in fact many of them can be changed, many erased, and many appear independently in different combinations. “Female” in sex binary terms means having breasts, having a vagina, having a womb, not having a lot of body hair, having a high-pitched voice, having lots of estrogen, having a period, having XX chromosomes. “Male” means having a penis, not having breasts, producing sperm, having body hair, having a deep voice, having lots of testosterone, having XY chromosomes. Yet it is possible to isolate, alter, and remove many of these traits. Many of these traits do not always appear together, and before puberty and after menopause, many of them do not apply.

- Asher Bauer, via inherhipstheresrevolutions

This quote is the most succinct description I’ve found to describe what is wrong with the male/female dichotomy.

Kinsey Hope has also written an article that might be of interest for further reading. I have dug it out of her archives for reference: Male/Female: Broken Language. She has a background in biology, if I recall correctly, so her insights into so-called “biologically obvious” terms is interesting.

For more commentary on gender in general, her post on The Reality of Gender is also a very worthwhile read.

And for anyone who still reads those old-style books that are made from trees, I’ve heard good things about Cordelia Fine’s Delusions of Gender: How Our Minds, Society, and Neurosexism Create Difference (amazon link here). I haven’t read it yet, though, so that’s a tentative recommendation.

Again, it wasn’t clear to me whether honestlyisay was referring to the sexual orientation binary or the “biological sex” binary. Either way, I hope these resources are useful for some readers out there!

- Anna

The Feminist Hub: On Anger and Feminism →

thefeministhub:

There has been an ongoing discussion here about anger, and how ‘abrasive’ it is okay to be. I have been following it, but unable to reply to the questions (the rest of the contributors here apparently check their email faster than me). So, I’m going to take some time to respond to something anon…

This is a short post I write over at The Feminist Hub, in response to a spat of Tone Arguments from anonymous asks.

Transgender Day of Remembrance

Yesterday was the Transgender Day of Remembrance. I went to the local memorial (organized by Equality NC), and it was good; none of the classism or co-opting that I’ve heard about from reports of other events. My only complaint was the overwrought Christian prayer at the beginning; I felt a tad alienated by that, and I imagine any other non-Christians there may have been as well. But it was well-intentioned* at least.

I felt like I should say something in this space about the TDoR, but the fact is that I am very lucky; none of my trans friends have been killed due to violence (and I am including suicide under the umbrella of violence, because it is society’s hatred that leads to trans suicide the vast majority of the time). It may simply be that I haven’t been active in the trans community for very long; I only came out to myself a little less than a year ago, and it’s only been about six months since I started interacting with the social justice / activism scene. The fact is that eventually, odds are very good that someone I know will be killed because of transphobia. This is abhorrent; a clear sign that our society is fundamentally broken.

Back to my point, though. I have not (yet) been touched directly by transphobic violence, and I am very lucky (and grateful) for this. And it makes me feel like anything I can say about the TDoR would have less impact; it would feel hollow to me.

But I can talk about how that violence touches me indirectly. I am afraid. All the time. Whenever I am out in girl-mode (I have not transitioned full-time yet) I am actively afraid for my life. I jump when I hear loud noises. My heart speeds up whenever I see someone walking towards me. Using the bathroom becomes an ordeal; what if someone gets upset? What if the police are waiting when I come out? Using the bathroom shouldn’t send me into a panic attack. But it does, and it is all connected to the culture that allows all of the violence that makes TDoR necessary to continue.

So, that is my perspective. That is where I was coming from as I stood in a circle last night, holding a candle and reading Angie González Oquendo’s death from a card. We memorialize their deaths, but we see nothing about their lives. How much of that fear and anxiety did Angie feel every day? How much did our lives have in common? Did she cry herself to sleep at night too? Stand outside the bathroom door for long seconds, trying not to panic?

We spend TDoR reflecting on violence and pain. This is important, of course; we need to see how much we are losing, and how much we stand to lose. I just wish we could find a way to celebrate the lives of those we lost in addition to mourning their deaths.

• and while intentions don’t usually matter, I am giving them points here because, if nothing else, the overall message of the prayer was one of love and acceptance.

Transitioning: Lasers and Therapy

I had my first laser hair removal treatment for my facial hair recently.

A lot of people claim that laser hair removal is “almost painless”, or “it hurts a little, but it’s just like being pinched”. These people are liars.

It hurt. It hurt a lot. Each burst felt like someone was firing about a dozen needles at high speed into a small region of my skin. There were… well, I wasn’t counting, but it had to be at least 100 bursts. It felt like thousands, of course. It was easily the most physically painful non-kink-related experience I’ve ever had (although in fairness, I’ve lived a very fortunate life in that regard).

The problem does not lie with an inexperienced laser therapist, either. Several accounts have vouched for this being one of the best places in the area for laser treatments, and the laser therapist I am working with has extensive experience. I can only imagine what one of these things in the hands of an inexperienced user might feel like.

So, it is probable that I just have a really low pain tolerance. But even so, most of the pain was gone within 5-15 minutes of the end of the treatment. The skin was tender for a couple days afterward.

It’s been a little over a week now, and my hair is already noticeably lighter, grows back more slowly, and is easier to shave. Whenever my hand happens to brush my face, it feels completely different than it used to, and a LOT less dissonant.

I have also recently started therapy. I’ve chosen a therapist who specializes in working with gender variant folks, and the focus of my therapy is, naturally, related to transitioning. For obvious reasons, I won’t go into detail about my therapy sessions. My therapist seems to really Get It in a number of important ways, though. He expressed what sounded like disdain for the larger psychiatric community; at least, he seemed critical of the identity policing implicit in the classical handling of transsexuality by the psychiatric community.

So, anyway, these are some good things happening in my life, to contrast all of the shit.

Privilege 101: Why privilege is bad (Part 2)

This post is part of my Privilege 101 series. You may want to read it from the beginning. To see all of the posts in the series, click here.

When I wrote the original post on Why privilege is bad, I was not terribly satisfied with it. It felt like I had relied on descriptive, US-centric ethics without really stabbing at the heart of the issue. So, I am going to give it another go as a way of rebooting the Privilege 101 series. This time, I’m going to attack the problem with pure logic as much as possible.

We start with the premise that society, that is to say societies in general, are good. To support this I offer the following observations:

• Societies increase our chance of survival through the pooling of resources.
• Thanks to the division of labor possible when people band together, societies allow specialization, which leads to technological innovation.
• Societies can also improve our quality of life, both through the above-mentioned technological innovations and through the emotional ties that we create with family and friends.

If we accept that society is good, then it follows that it is in our best interests to ensure our society is as functional and healthy as possible. My next premise is that eliminating privilege/oppression dynamics are in the best interests of society. I offer the following Proof by Demonstration, by way of thought experiment.

So, let’s imagine one iteration of the social activist utopia: Unearned Privilege does not exist. No group is afforded opportunities and benefits at the expense of another group. My prediction is that this would lead to an overall increase in quality of life. More people would have the opportunity to become better educated, which would lead to more capable people in various specializations.

It would also lead to a decrease in crime, both by making crimes of desperation less necessary and by removing the underpinnings that allow violence against oppressed groups to be considered acceptable.

Society as a whole would benefit. And when we benefit society, we benefit ourselves - because what is society if not the sum of its parts?

Triggers vs Reclamation

Trigger Warning: In this post, I discuss a transphobic slur that trigger me, and it is present for educational purposes. Warning is posted in case it might trigger you too.

Kinsey’s commented a while ago about triggers vs silencing. This reminded me that I had meant to write this post, then forgot about the topic completely.

It is generally accepted (in activist communities, at least) that it is a Good Thing (TM) for a marginalized person to take an oppressive slur and turn it around and use it in a positive way as a personal identity label. I approve of the concept; it is a strong way to reclaim power from the kyriarchy and reduce the impact of a slur on a personal, psychological level at the very least.

However, there is a potential collision of interests here. I am going to use a personal example to illustrate it. When I see the word ‘tranny’, I flinch. I really despise it as a word; it triggers anxiety and dissonance in me. I have found that this is true regardless of usage. Whether it is being applied as a slur, used in a discussion about slurs (like it is here, incidentally), or used as reclamation, it still triggers me.

So the problem is that it is helpful/empowering/healing for some people to reclaim slurs, but it is harmful/triggering for other people to hear them, sometimes even in a reclaiming capacity. It doesn’t look like there is a way around this that doesn’t screw someone over. Either we assert the right to reclaim words and risk triggering some people, or we deny the usefulness of reclaiming words and remove a tool of empowerment.

I don’t have a useful answer here. Discussion, as always, is welcome.

Trans: Prefix or Adjective?

I wanted to expand on my reply to this post. As an amateur linguist, my interest was piqued. Let’s get ready for Language Time with Anna!

So, ‘trans-’ is traditionally a prefix, and not a root word on its own (although it derives from the present participle of the Latin word trare, ‘to cross’).

However, the modern usage of the word ‘trans’, in the context of gender, is more nuanced. When I say “I am trans” or “I am a trans woman”, I am really using a shortened form of either the word ‘transgender’ or ‘transsexual’. So, the word ‘trans’ is different from the prefix ‘trans-’ in that it is a slang term that shortens the original word by only using its prefix. Awkward, but the alternative, “I am a gender woman”, sounds outright bizarre.

Hyphenating or collapsing ‘trans woman’ into ‘trans-woman’ or ‘transwoman’ is not necessary, grammatically. It’s not even correct in this context. And it is socially problematic.

In fact, the word ‘transwoman’ implies something distinctly different than ‘trans woman’. See, ‘transgender woman’ (or ‘trans woman’ for short) means ‘a woman who is transgender’. ‘Transwoman’, on the other hand, implies ‘someone who has moved beyond/through womanhood’. This could potentially imply a certain subset of trans men (those who view themselves as having been women before their transition). It could also, maybe, be used to describe a FAAB non-binary, or a FAAB who has abandoned their body and uploaded their consciousness into a genderless cloud of nanomachines. See also Transhumanism.

To reiterate: ‘trans woman’ and ‘trans man’ are the spellings you want to use. They are the only spellings that are not problematic.

(edit: As per this discussion, this post contains some privileged ideas; namely, it is wrapped in problematic prescriptive grammar. I still hold that trans man and trans woman are the best phrases to use for most of the reasons outlined above, but suggesting that it is problematic because it is grammatically incorrect is the wrong approach)

It is actually pretty simple

A lot of people seem to be getting confused about what to call us transgender folk, or what a transgender individual means when they say, for example, “I am a trans woman”.

Apparently, this is confusing because it is not clear whether the trans individual is referring to their “biological sex / birth sex” or the “gender they think they are / want to be”.

Please note well the quotes. They are important here, because they are being used to denote derision of these phrases.

This confusion is rooted in cissexist thought. And it is very easily cured. Just apply these simple rules:

1. Gender is an identity, not a set of physiological traits. When I say “Mary identifies as genderqueer”, it is functionally equivalent to “Mary is genderqueer”. Now try it with a woman, to make sure you get the idea: “Anna identifies as a woman” is equivalent “Anna is a woman”. The important thing to take away from this is that gender is an identity for everyone, including cisgender folks. “Anna identifies as a woman” does not tell you whether Anna is transgender or cisgender. (she is transgender, in case you have not been paying attention to this blog)

2. When you see the phrase ‘trans man’ or ‘trans woman’, you can use basic grammar to deduce the meaning. ‘Trans’ is an adjective, and is short for either transgender or transsexual, depending on context. ‘Man’ and ‘woman’ are nouns, and they are the operative word in the description. This means a trans man is a man, and a trans woman is a woman. See rule 1 if you get confused about the implications.

So, if you have grokked these two rules, you should be good to go. In case you are still having trouble, I will rephrase (and expound):

The words man and woman apply to all men and all women, respectively, regardless of whether they are cisgender or transgender. You do not need extra language to include trans men and trans women when you say “men and women”. In fact, including extra language is cissexist, as it implies there is a need to point out the difference. You DO, however, need extra language to include non-binary folks.

“But Anna,” asks the Strangely Deferential Mob, “What if I want to make sure transgender people know they are explicitly welcomed and included? After all, trans people often face a lot of erasure.”

Well, mob, I’ve got good news: this problem can be solved! Just like ‘man’ and ‘woman’ both describe gender identities, ‘cisgender’ and ‘transgender’ describe whether your gender identity matches your birth-assigned gender. So, as an example, if you want to make this phrase trans-inclusive without causing harm:

We welcome everyone, whether you are male, female or transgender.

might be:

We welcome everyone, whether you are a man, women, or non-binary, and whether you are cisgender or transgender.

This really isn’t rocket surgery, folks.

At the intersection of geek and trans

I post too many serious, heavy things. This is a little lighter, although still not all orgasms and chamomile.

Part of my efforts toward transitioning have involved shifting my online presence to use my new name and removing, wherever possible, all traces of my old identity. So, naturally, whenever I sign up for new services online, I use my new name instead of my legal name. It quickly became something I do without even thinking about it. After, all, I am Anna. It was not exactly difficult for me to embrace that as a truth, because as soon as I realized it, it felt completely natural.

So, one result of this is that, when I created an account on the new battle.net, I used Anna as my name. Fast forward to the release of StarCraft 2, and all of my co-workers want my RealID so they can friend me in-game.

I have studiously avoided talking about it. I have nimbly dodged the issue, or changed the subject, whenever it comes up. It is a tricky landscape, but I manage.

The other downside, of course, is that I don’t have anyone to play StarCraft with. I mean, random matches, sure. But that really isn’t the same.

Oh well. I guess I’ll just have to convert people I’m already out to into StarCraft players.